Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Websites That Are Cancer #2: Youtube

Yeah, I went there. See, Youtube represents something incredibly good: Freedom and Liberty. The Freedom to say what you want, to make videos with going through producers and the possibility that anyone, even you, could actually make something that's seen by millions. And that's awesome.

The real question is: How many people
 are talented enough to make watching something they've made a good idea? I mean, there's almost seven billion people in the world, and the only guys who make consistently good stuff live in Hollywood. I mean, yes, giving the public a voice is great, but maybe the public shouldn't have a voice. For every gifted, passionate and devoted guy making awesome stuff, there's a couple of thousand guys uploading videos of cats doing nothing interesting, horrible song parodies of songs that are already parodies, and utterly dreadful rants at a webcam. Even worse, these guys who wouldn't know talent if it raped them, are popular. Look at the Most-Subscribed-Youtube-Man, Fred.

Actually, let's not. That guy is someone who yells into a webcam with that fucking spastic sped-up Chipmunks voice talking about inane shit, and guess what? He makes a TENS OF THOUSANS OF DOLLARS for doing so, and HAS A GODDAMN MOVIE DEAL! He is the opposite of talent, a fungus - he lives in the dark. damp and feeds on shit. And pretty much the top-100 guys are the same. Retarded is the word I would use to describe the whole thing. Fuck it all.

They also break Public Use. See, even if something has a copyright, it can still be used for some purposes, mainly parody, criticism and to prove a point etc. See, Youtube doesn't care about your rights. They've often removed videos even if they don't infringe copyrights. And recently, they let Fox News take down over 150 videos that portray them in a bad light. Like, say, Glenn Beck is seen eating a puppy, and filmed. Now, this isn't a huge surprise to anyone that he would do so, but it's still pretty horrid. Youtube is willing to remove that video, simply because people with money asked them to. Kind of shoves a boot up the whole point of giving people a voice, don't you think, Google?

In closing, Fuck Youtube.

I'm Not Dead!

Not that you care anyway. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN *teenage angst*

So. for all you out there wondering why I'm not writing (It means a lot to me that at least one person asked) it's because I'm a lazy fuck working undercover for the government, trying to foil an Illuminati terrorist attack. That, and I'm a lazy fuck. So, I decided to briefly write my writing plans here for all to see:

1. An article I'm working on for Gunaxin, after all these months. I got the idea and very, very, very loose plan all worked out.

2. Enter that school writing competition and win, because I'm the J. D. Salinger, God rest his soul, of writing.

3. Stop being a lazy fuck and actually update this once a week like I promised. It's not supposed to be this fucking hard.

4. Play the shit out of Mass Effect 2.

That last one isn't related to writing, but I felt you should know why I won't be able to hold up a single one of these goals.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Introducing: The SarcMark

Has this ever happened to you?

You are at work, near the water-cooler, talking about nothing audible, until you trip on your shoelaces. One of your friends responds with "Smooth move, Einstein". You then ask him why he would say something like that, since you obviously made a mistake, which isn't a very smooth move indeed. He rolls his eyes and says "No, of course I was being serious", which makes you even more confused.

 Introducing the SarcMark , an all new form of punctuation.

Never be misunderstood again! You can get the brand new SarcMark for just 1.99. I mean, it is a lot easier than using something as uncouth as italics. Who am I, Conan the Barbarian? Finally you can make whatever witty comments you want without having to fear that your audience, people suffering from severe Autism and Twilight fans, can finally understand subtlety. If you have any questions, they are answered in their commercial:

Wow, what amazing sarcasm that commercial had! Did you see all the sarcasm! The sarcasm the commercial had? Boy howdy was that some sarcasm.

Truly paying money to get a sign you could just copy off the internet to be able to outright state that you are being sarcastic without realising that basically no website will support the symbol, and literally no-one else will be able to see that symbol without buying it themselves is the best idea of the year.

On the other hand, it's basically stealing from people whose functional retardation borders on an elaborate joke by God, which I can always get behind.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Dan Brown is Fat, or Lying to the Dumb

Booyeah, Bitches! I am back! For now. Who knows how long it'll take until I lapse into my near comatose state of inactivity?

Anyways, I decided to write to you today about another inconsequential thing that makes me angry way out of proportion: Dan Brown. "Why is that," you may ask yourself. "He's just an author." Well, you know who else was an author? Charles Manson, probably. Also Hitler and Richard Dawkins. So just writing books can make you a twisted fuck. But what do his books do, then? Well I'm glad you asked, hypothetical reader. He commits an egregious sin: He lies to the dumb. Misinformation, in all its forms, weakens science, makes learning a greater challenge than it already is, and is totes gay, bro. If you've read any of his books, you'll know the main attraction is the whole "Huh, I didn't know that before" factor, and peppering facts and trivia with more interesting stuff is perfectly fine. Hell, that's the whole hook of Cracked, except replace "interesting stuff" with dong jokes and pictures of boobs. The problem is, this douche doesn't actually teach you a goddamn thing. Yes, despite the huge disclaimer at the beginning (this one):


The Priory of Sion—a European secret society founded in 1099—is a real organization. In 1975, Paris's Bibliothèque Nationale discovered parchments known as Les Dossiers Secrets, identifying numerous members of the Priory of Sion, including Sir Isaac Newton, Botticelli, Victor Hugo, and Leonardo da Vinci.

The Vatican prelature known as Opus Dei is a deeply devout Catholic group that has been the topic of recent controversy due to reports of brain-washing, coercion, and a practice known as "corporal mortification." Opus Dei has just completed construction of a $47 million National Headquarters at 243 Lexington Avenue in New York City.

All descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals in this novel are accurate.

The whole book is a load of arse bollocks. Yes, ass balls. I'm being creative with my swears today. The Priory of Sion was a hoax a fat guy made up in the late 1950's, Opus Dei is a pretty normal Catholic Sect and the only controversy about them brain-washing, coercing or mortificating themselves corporally was started by our friend Dan Brown (Or should I say Dan SUCK? Definitely not, that is absolutely horrible. Just like DAN BROWN! BUUUURN!) And  as for the last part? I'll just direct you to this ten thousand word Wikipedia article listing all it's inaccuracies, backed up by credible sources.

This also extends to his other works: Angels and Demons seems almost like a parody. When I was watching it, I burst laughing at the point the Hadron Collider is introduced and was smirking like the smug douche-bag I am throughout. All the bullshit about "The Illuminati" (though SPOILER ALERT the nuke the Vatican plan wasn't actually theirs) ever actually being any kind of conspiracy, an understanding  of antimatter only slightly greater than any given episode of Star Trek and the whole "We don't understand how live-feeds work or how easy they are to track" and the patently absurd idea that the Large Hadron Collider actually works.

The man is full of shit, is what I'm trying to get across. He puts no effort into researching yet claims that everything mentioned in his books is true, 'cept for Langdon, a professor of "Symbology" a field that does not exist in any way.

See, the problem with lying to stupid people is that it's easy. Really, really easy. Hell, I do it almost every day. You think I fact-check, mateys? I pull it all out of my ass. The other thing is, lying to people makes a lot of money. Like, assloads. I've never exploited it that way, but some have, really successfully. Like Christianity. ZING! Anyways, it does so because it costs no resources, requires little effort, and the "facts" can be made as interesting or shocking as you want. And that's slowly poisoning our collective knowledge. And that's terrible.

I promise to get into more of a routine again, and have funnier stuff than this one. The subject isn't inherently funny, and it's pretty hard to get it to be. Peace.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Japan Knows How To Treat Women

I, like all men, believe women to be completely inferior to men. I'm not going to use a "No True Scotsman" fallacy in this case, as it is obvious that any man who does not believe that women are on the same level as dogs are obviously lying. Women being a parasite on civilisation is obvious from Historical evidence (Yeah, way to invent the Theory of Relativity and build the Great Wall... Oh, that's right) and the Bible (King James' Version, Genesis 3:16 "...thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." The Bible also says that Eagles are an abomination, which is why I hate America.) Now, I believe that the only solution to women is a stinging backhand, and unfortunately I was not able to indulge this in video game form.

Until Now!

Finally all woman and child abusers can hone their technique in this delightful game. You can slap them, take off their clothes, throw soccer balls at them and spray what I hope is water on them - Just like you would in real life. Now, I believe that this game is a great thing - After all, if any culture begins to project oppression as entertainment and in positive light, it will become more common until finally it becomes socially acceptable to abuse women. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Truly the makers of this video-game believe that women are nothing but things meant to entertain men, by way of sex, cooking and the occasional beating, like they should.

Sure, the Feminist Movement of the 70's set Man back by a couple of decades by deluding these poor creatures into believing they are human, but Japan's got our back! They already have pedophilia culturally accepted
(Their idea of beauty is heavily focused on naivety and being youthful and childish, and they sell used panties of school-girls in vending machines. Plus, check out how many school-girls wearing miniskirts appear in Manga and Anime) so abuse is naturally next. One thing worries me about Love Death 2: Fun Time - The torture is entirely physical. Sure, crippling a woman's legs is all well and good, but it's nothing compared to destroying their self-esteem and making them believe they earned it. What kind of game wont let call women whores? Thankfully I believe this will be rectified in later version, along with the ability to rape ... Oh, what's that? The game already has a "monster in the pants" "weapon" you use "while they're down and can't fight back"... Well, I guess this has all the makings of Game of The Year. ¨

I can't wait till they bring in the DLC, probably involving forbidding them from even talking to other men, stalking them and watching them sleep, constantly reminding the women that you want to kill them and telling her that you are doing it because you love her and having "the skin of a killer". I'm sure nothing like that would ever exist in our society or even be popular, but I can dream, can't I? Like Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream: A society in which women are slaves to men, with no right to think for themselves, just supplies of sex for men. A world without pain, suffering or belittlement to men (something all women do to men, I read it from "Roissy in DC") and all the negative things in the world are rightfully blamed on women.

Yes, I realise half(2) of my readers(4 in total) are women.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Oh Fuck This


No, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck you, Hollywood. Straight up the ass.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Popularity of Horrible Parodies

Quite some time ago, I learned that people are, by nature, fucking retarded. Case in point, the popularity of *Vague Genre* Movies, made by Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer, like Epic Movie or Date Movie. These movies are to cinema what tumors are to the brain. If you haven't seen any of them, here's a recap of every single one of them:

JASON: Hey, remember *insert character from a recent movie*?


JASON: Wouldn't it be funny if they smoked weed/had sex/killed someone/were illiterate?

AARON: Hahahahhahahahahahhahahahah. Yes.

STUDIO EXECUTIVES: Here you go, have 20 Million.

These movies somehow defy all genres and create a new one: The Reference Movie. These movies are not comedies: I dare you to find a single joke. The movies rely entirely on reminding people of better, actually good movies made in the same year. Let's take Epic Movie as an example. It reportedly parodies "Epic" movies. Now, far be it from me to suggest these people don't know what an epic film actually is, but it's still interesting that they fail to feature a single epic. Instead of Titanic, Passion of the Christ or hell, Saving Private Ryan, the movie parodies The Chronicles of Narnia (Fantasy), Pirates of the Caribbean (Action) and the DaVinci Code (Drama/Thriller/Piece of Bullshit). The only thing connecting these movies together is the fact that they were made in the same year. Seltzburger (a portmanteau of their last names) seem to follow the Christian tradition of Satan: He cannot create, he can only corrupt. Indeed, these movies are nothing but corruptions of their original. The definition of parody, something those two should probably look up in between having more money and sex then I do, is the following:

A parody (pronounced /ˈpærədiː/; also called send-up or spoof), in contemporary usage, is a work created to mock, comment on, or poke fun at an original work.

Now, the movies don't really comment on, mock or poke fun at the movies as much as have pirates rap, laugh at midgets and have the main characters learn archery and swordsmanship from Harry Potter and Co. I might be an elitist bastard, but last time I checked, none of the characters in Harry Potter sword fight or use a bow. Maybe I "just don't get it" or am "jealous that I'm not that rich" or the old classic, that I "can't criticize unless I've made that much money".

My real gripe is not that the movies prove how buttfuck retarded our species is, but the fact that more and more people are making these movies. Let's have a look at the trailer to the upcoming movie, The 40 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It.

This movie is, obviously, a parody of The 40 Year Old Virgin. These people are under the mistaken conclusion that parodying a comedy will make your movie double funny, instead of make you look retarded. People have been parodying I'm On a Boat, a song that's already a parody for years, so it's not like this is a new thing. It's just really, really sad that people can actually get millions of dollars to make this kind of piece of shit. The jokes are so lowest-common-denominator that it makes me want to jam a screwdriver in my eyes. And the worst part is knowing that this movie will be popular. People will go see it, and they will laugh, and the douchebags who made this movie will make more movies, inspiring more and more people to make shallow parodies until comedy implodes on it self and doesn't exist anymore.

And I blame you. All of you, who have ever seen one of these movies. You brought forth the apocalypse. You have killed the genre of comedy, and replaced it with a child so retarded it does not know how to breathe. You are monsters, and you disgust me more than all the Japanese Units in China of WWII.