As you know, I am a teenage nerd. The first implies that I will try to get my hands on something illegal. The second, on the other hand, means I'm not cool enough to smoke or drink excessively, so my interest lies directly on video games. And home-made explosives, but I digress. As a nerd, I am a big fan of RPG's, since the thought of being someone other than my disgusting, ugly, overweight and out of shape self is extremely attractive. Just like men for Julius and Dietle. I am saying they are gay.
So, I was thinking of what game might be suitable for my lonely, escapist fantasy. Immediately, I knew what it was: Fallout 3. The Post-Nuclear-Apocalyptic game set in the ruins of DC. With all the radioactive mutants, classy 50's music and science so soft you could spread it over a sandwich. But, like a shovel to the face of a dozed hooker, reality hit me in the face. "The Game is for 18 year olds," Reality told me "You can't buy it. Also I suck cocks." Truer words have never been spoken, except that one unrelated time. I figured that since I can pass off as an adult on a forum full of adults and Nedroid, I was mature enough to buy that game. Also I wanted it really bad. My parents, who dislike me having/doing mature things and enjoy tormenting me by "caring" and "making sure I don't get hurt", however, did not follow my logic, meaning I could not get the game from that avenue. So, the best I could do is ask my older brother, a veritable giant of a man, to get the game for me. Unfortunately, he is also under-aged. Since Finland apparently likes being Nazi Germany, they refused to sell him the game without identification. Yes, upholding the law makes you a Nazi. If you ever get pulled over by the police you can quote me on that. Anyways, I went to the closest thing Finland has to a mall, and tried all the shops personally. None would let me buy the game, even when I used elaborate lies. They either cared for their jobs (selling inappropriate material to minors will get you fired) or are descendants of the Gestapo. I think it was the latter, personally. So, all my attempts resulted in failure. Constant, utter failure. No matter what tale I spun, I could not get that game. It eluded me, like a blind retard at some really stupid American Hillbilly Festival game. I felt betrayed by God. What kind of monster would not let me break the law? I lay there, defeated in all ways. I was destroyed. No victory could ever be achieved. As I was there, it dawned on me though. What place can I get a game without dealing with anyone? Two words: Online. Piracy.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: In an attempt to avoid confusion and lawsuits, a clarification is in order. No illegal activity was attempted, and the reference to online piracy was not meant to imply that the owner of this blog would attempt such a heinous crime. This, however, is. I AM GOING TO STEAL THIS VIDEO GAME USING TORRENTS! That, however, is a joke used for satirical means and does not hold up in court. Just try it.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThe comment above got f'd up, so I will post it again:
ReplyDeleteThis is how PEOPLE get the game they want:
1. They go to a store.
2. They pick up the object of interest along with a sweater.
3. They go to one of those booths to "try the sweater on".
4. In real life, they take the disc out of the box, so that it doesn't beep at the counter. They put it in their pocket.
5. They hide the box out of sight.
6. They leave the store buying the sweater and smuggling the disc out of the store.
Not that I've tried this out, though...
I think you should be excused from the whole "Must be 18" rule. That's done to protect your innocent young mind from the graphic horror and soul crushing violence of the game world. Given that you hang out with Cracked people and write comedy for the internet, your mind and soul are already a total write off and you might as well embrace the horror.
ReplyDelete