Happy Birthday for A Friend

To clarify, yes, I have friends. They just live in... Canada.

Anyways, a friend of mine (for the sake of privacy let's call him Fuckass) has a birthday today. Now, there's not a lot of reasons for Fuckass to live: He's ugly as a boot, smart as a camel, and as compassionate as Mussolini. However, what he lacks in those areas, he more than makes up for them in his artistic ability. That man is to drawing what I am to writing - A prodigy. I think the term in his case is Idiot-Savant. He is seriously one of the most talented people I've ever met - And I've met myself. For some reason Fuckass insists on drawing cars, which I guess means he's an Autosexual. WARNING: DO NOT FOLLOW THAT LINK. IT'S A MEDIOCRE PUN AND NOT WORTH THERAPY. IT WILL DAMAGE YOUR PSYCHE BEYOND REPAIR. JUST BECAUSE IT'S WIKIPEDIA DOESN'T MEANS IT'S SFW.

Anyways, Fuckass is also a pretty nice guy. Hey, I heard the people Mussolini ordered to be killed said he was nice about it. Only problem is that he is way too positive. He laughs at 85% of my jokes, which is bad for me, since I really don't need any encouragement. Even if the guy is a Neo-Nazi (saying that Homosexuality is a disease, using Nazi terminology and overall being a fascist), he still hasn't killed any Untermensch yet. Sure, none of that may be strictly true and I might have elaborated on and twisted his words, but my point remains. Swell guy who utterly hates any game not involving driving. Even in GTA IV he only drives, I don't think he's killed a single person in that game.


So, there's only one person reading this blog who does not know Fuckass, so I urge Capricia13/Susan to give Fuckass your birthday greeting.

I Am Literally Angry With Rage, or: Uptight Retards Prevent Me From Breaking The Law

As you know, I am a teenage nerd. The first implies that I will try to get my hands on something illegal. The second, on the other hand, means I'm not cool enough to smoke or drink excessively, so my interest lies directly on video games. And home-made explosives, but I digress. As a nerd, I am a big fan of RPG's, since the thought of being someone other than my disgusting, ugly, overweight and out of shape self is extremely attractive. Just like men for Julius and Dietle. I am saying they are gay.

So, I was thinking of what game might be suitable for my lonely, escapist fantasy. Immediately, I knew what it was: Fallout 3. The Post-Nuclear-Apocalyptic game set in the ruins of DC. With all the radioactive mutants, classy 50's music and science so soft you could spread it over a sandwich. But, like a shovel to the face of a dozed hooker, reality hit me in the face. "The Game is for 18 year olds," Reality told me "You can't buy it. Also I suck cocks." Truer words have never been spoken, except that one unrelated time. I figured that since I can pass off as an adult on a forum full of adults and Nedroid, I was mature enough to buy that game. Also I wanted it really bad. My parents, who dislike me having/doing mature things and enjoy tormenting me by "caring" and "making sure I don't get hurt", however, did not follow my logic, meaning I could not get the game from that avenue. So, the best I could do is ask my older brother, a veritable giant of a man, to get the game for me. Unfortunately, he is also under-aged. Since Finland apparently likes being Nazi Germany, they refused to sell him the game without identification. Yes, upholding the law makes you a Nazi. If you ever get pulled over by the police you can quote me on that. Anyways, I went to the closest thing Finland has to a mall, and tried all the shops personally. None would let me buy the game, even when I used elaborate lies. They either cared for their jobs (selling inappropriate material to minors will get you fired) or are descendants of the Gestapo. I think it was the latter, personally. So, all my attempts resulted in failure. Constant, utter failure. No matter what tale I spun, I could not get that game. It eluded me, like a blind retard at some really stupid American Hillbilly Festival game. I felt betrayed by God. What kind of monster would not let me break the law? I lay there, defeated in all ways. I was destroyed. No victory could ever be achieved. As I was there, it dawned on me though. What place can I get a game without dealing with anyone? Two words: Online. Piracy.


LEGAL DISCLAIMER: In an attempt to avoid confusion and lawsuits, a clarification is in order. No illegal activity was attempted, and the reference to online piracy was not meant to imply that the owner of this blog would attempt such a heinous crime. This, however, is. I AM GOING TO STEAL THIS VIDEO GAME USING TORRENTS! That, however, is a joke used for satirical means and does not hold up in court. Just try it.

Sorry For The Lack of Updates

I was recently pretty sick, so updating has been very low on my To-Do List. Most likely it was just the common cold that was exasperated by me not caring I had the fever for a couple of days, but it's much more dramatic to say it was... THE SWINE FLU! Dun-dun-duuuuuun! This would coincide with the outbreak here in Finland and the fact that I didn't die (one of the many symptoms of H1N1), but I really doubt it was. I'll probably update tomorrow, unless I am stricken by Playing-the-shit-out-of-Fallout-3-itis or, on Tuesday, the day of its launch, Left-4-Dead-2-Is-Here-Fuck-Yes-Oh-My-God-Yes-Chainsaws-Katanas-And-Shotguns-And-Mindless-Targets-I'll-Kill-Them-All-itis. I'm sure there'll be an epidemic on the 17th.

So, this is my bullshit as to why I haven't updated. I have also got a great writing deal over at Gunaxin.com, so you'll probably see my stuff over there as well.

Zombie Contingency Plan

The one on the right looks like Quiltshoe

I am a paranoid man. If I see a Mexican outside my house, I immediately start wondering what exactly he wants to steal from me, and bring out something semi-lethal just to keep him at bay. If I see someone giving me anything, I immediately sink it in my special mix of disinfectant and holy water (I call it "Holy Disinfectant". I'm really bad with puns) and then exorcise any and all demons that might dwell in it. As such, I am planned for every single possible situation, no matter how unlikely (the impossible, like a girl finding me attractive, I am not planned for). Fully prepared, I am, for the zombie, vampire, Twilight vampire, armed monkey and unicorn apocalypses. Since some of those have simple plans (for example, Twilight Vampires can be defeated by pointing out that they are nothing but wank-fantasy for middle-aged and teenage girls, resulting in them killing themselves) or have already been discussed by other scholars, I will talk only about the one that might actually happen.

Zombies.

Zombies are slow, retarded creatures dispatched by destroying the brain, as I explained in my Health-Education test, that have an unending hunger for humans. Each victim of a zombie is turned into one. Since Finland has a miles upon miles upon even further miles upon a couple of meters of empty forests, holing up in one would seem easy. Most Finns (about 4 in 5, to be precise) have some kind of summer cottage, deep in woods/near farms/by lakes or seas. All these give more than enough food. So, with this in mind, my plan is as followed:



1. After first news of the outbreak, round up warm clothes and blankets, as much food as space permits, and the weapons (melee - axes etc, and guns - Suomi Konepistooli, weapons available from the nearby military base and the simple airguns. After that, flee Helsinki. Head towards Jyväskylä, near the family cabin. Once there, start digging trenches. The trenches have to be at least 1.5 meters deep. Make simple farms close to the main building, and send out someone to fish. There most likely are not enough zombies yet to make this dangerous. Practice firing using the airguns, and give the most accurate the machine-pistol. Set up a look-out on top of the roof, and make sure there is a ladder available. If zombies are seen, wait till they reach withing firing range and aim for the head. Repeat.

2 When winter comes, the zombies(with no circulation, mind you) will freeze to death, making their disposal easy. A shovel is best suited for this job. During the winter months, it is safe to check farm houses for survivors, and make expeditions to the town, looking for supplies. Stay indoors, and keep the house well warmed.

3 As spring begins to arrive, stop making treks, and keep a look out. Make sure everyone is at peak physical activity. If a siege of tens or hundreds of zombies arrives, move all survivors onto the roof with ladders (zombies lack the dexterity to use them) and arm them with anything you have. Make sure the quiet, fidgety guy who keeps saying "We're all going to die" under his breath does not get a weapon.

4 Keep monitoring radio channels. Use one of the wind up models. As Finland has less people than New York (note: I am making this up. I do not know), huge sieges will not occur often. Wait until the military declares it safe. Once you hear that, wait a week, and then return.



This plan is fool-proof. If you believe it to have a weakness, do tell so in the comments.



Plan B: Overdose on pills to avoid painful death.


Next one will be funny, I swear.