Introducing: The SarcMark

Has this ever happened to you?

You are at work, near the water-cooler, talking about nothing audible, until you trip on your shoelaces. One of your friends responds with "Smooth move, Einstein". You then ask him why he would say something like that, since you obviously made a mistake, which isn't a very smooth move indeed. He rolls his eyes and says "No, of course I was being serious", which makes you even more confused.

 Introducing the SarcMark , an all new form of punctuation.

Never be misunderstood again! You can get the brand new SarcMark for just 1.99. I mean, it is a lot easier than using something as uncouth as italics. Who am I, Conan the Barbarian? Finally you can make whatever witty comments you want without having to fear that your audience, people suffering from severe Autism and Twilight fans, can finally understand subtlety. If you have any questions, they are answered in their commercial:


Wow, what amazing sarcasm that commercial had! Did you see all the sarcasm! The sarcasm the commercial had? Boy howdy was that some sarcasm.

Truly paying money to get a sign you could just copy off the internet to be able to outright state that you are being sarcastic without realising that basically no website will support the symbol, and literally no-one else will be able to see that symbol without buying it themselves is the best idea of the year.

On the other hand, it's basically stealing from people whose functional retardation borders on an elaborate joke by God, which I can always get behind.

Dan Brown is Fat, or Lying to the Dumb

Booyeah, Bitches! I am back! For now. Who knows how long it'll take until I lapse into my near comatose state of inactivity?

Anyways, I decided to write to you today about another inconsequential thing that makes me angry way out of proportion: Dan Brown. "Why is that," you may ask yourself. "He's just an author." Well, you know who else was an author? Charles Manson, probably. Also Hitler and Richard Dawkins. So just writing books can make you a twisted fuck. But what do his books do, then? Well I'm glad you asked, hypothetical reader. He commits an egregious sin: He lies to the dumb. Misinformation, in all its forms, weakens science, makes learning a greater challenge than it already is, and is totes gay, bro. If you've read any of his books, you'll know the main attraction is the whole "Huh, I didn't know that before" factor, and peppering facts and trivia with more interesting stuff is perfectly fine. Hell, that's the whole hook of Cracked, except replace "interesting stuff" with dong jokes and pictures of boobs. The problem is, this douche doesn't actually teach you a goddamn thing. Yes, despite the huge disclaimer at the beginning (this one):

FACT:

The Priory of Sion—a European secret society founded in 1099—is a real organization. In 1975, Paris's Bibliothèque Nationale discovered parchments known as Les Dossiers Secrets, identifying numerous members of the Priory of Sion, including Sir Isaac Newton, Botticelli, Victor Hugo, and Leonardo da Vinci.

The Vatican prelature known as Opus Dei is a deeply devout Catholic group that has been the topic of recent controversy due to reports of brain-washing, coercion, and a practice known as "corporal mortification." Opus Dei has just completed construction of a $47 million National Headquarters at 243 Lexington Avenue in New York City.

All descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals in this novel are accurate.


The whole book is a load of arse bollocks. Yes, ass balls. I'm being creative with my swears today. The Priory of Sion was a hoax a fat guy made up in the late 1950's, Opus Dei is a pretty normal Catholic Sect and the only controversy about them brain-washing, coercing or mortificating themselves corporally was started by our friend Dan Brown (Or should I say Dan SUCK? Definitely not, that is absolutely horrible. Just like DAN BROWN! BUUUURN!) And  as for the last part? I'll just direct you to this ten thousand word Wikipedia article listing all it's inaccuracies, backed up by credible sources.

This also extends to his other works: Angels and Demons seems almost like a parody. When I was watching it, I burst laughing at the point the Hadron Collider is introduced and was smirking like the smug douche-bag I am throughout. All the bullshit about "The Illuminati" (though SPOILER ALERT the nuke the Vatican plan wasn't actually theirs) ever actually being any kind of conspiracy, an understanding  of antimatter only slightly greater than any given episode of Star Trek and the whole "We don't understand how live-feeds work or how easy they are to track" and the patently absurd idea that the Large Hadron Collider actually works.

The man is full of shit, is what I'm trying to get across. He puts no effort into researching yet claims that everything mentioned in his books is true, 'cept for Langdon, a professor of "Symbology" a field that does not exist in any way.

See, the problem with lying to stupid people is that it's easy. Really, really easy. Hell, I do it almost every day. You think I fact-check, mateys? I pull it all out of my ass. The other thing is, lying to people makes a lot of money. Like, assloads. I've never exploited it that way, but some have, really successfully. Like Christianity. ZING! Anyways, it does so because it costs no resources, requires little effort, and the "facts" can be made as interesting or shocking as you want. And that's slowly poisoning our collective knowledge. And that's terrible.

I promise to get into more of a routine again, and have funnier stuff than this one. The subject isn't inherently funny, and it's pretty hard to get it to be. Peace.