Christ. Updates, Right?

Jesus, time sure does fly when you are doing everything except updating your blog, doesn't it? Sure, it's easy to say "I'll update the site every week" but then BAM, reality hits your face like a cinderblock to a hippie. The truth is that while writing is a thing I enjoy very much, it still takes effort. Very little effort, yes, but more effort than, say, shooting Nazi's in Call of Duty: WaW, making a depressingly complex contingency plan in the astronomically retardedly slim chance (as slim as your [valued relative/significant other] isn't. ZING!) that zombies exist and are an actual threat(coming up soon by the way. Hark at the insane man, won't you?) , or just counting the seconds to your eventual death and debating whether or not to pull the trigger (the classic Finnish past time).

Writing this, I came to the depressing conclusion that there isn't a single person in the world wondering "Oh no! Finlander hasn't updated recently. That makes me sad because I love everything he writes and wish to see more." On the other hand I'm happy simply because nobody thinks in such a retarded way.

So, I'm writing this half-assed thing to excuse my writing, but who am I excusing it to? Me. No-one else. I had to write something, or I'd never live it down. It's hard enough living through life having to constantly drown the sounds of "BURN THEM BURN THEM BURN THEM ALL BAPTISM THROUGH FLAME THE TRUE PATH TO CHRIST IS THROUGH COMPLETE IMMOLATION" and "You do realise you are nowhere near as smart as you think, right? You have an unhealthily high view of your self. Look at you, you jackass, you can't even spell yourself right" to deal with another one saying "You couldn't keep a simple promise you made to your fictional fans. You said you'd write, and you didn't. Instead you ate sour cream & and onion chips whilst playing on your Xbox. For shame". And who knows what vital functions that petty bastard controls.





If Jere is reading this I want him to know he sucks.





Same goes for Dietle.





And that creepy juggler freak . With his damn beady eyes.

Short Story: Alchemy and Expectations

Winston lipped his parched lips, and wiped some sweat off his brow. He was beginning to fall asleep with his eyes opened. After all, he had barely slept all week. "No time," he had thought "This is too important."

He began to crank the machine, trying desperately to get just one light to prove his efforts were not in vain. He kept doing it, with his tears mixing in with his sweat. All that was missing was blood, and Churchill would be proud at the dedication he showed for his country. Try as he might, he feared it would be useless. It would mean that the past 15 years would've been completely useless.

Just as Winston was getting desperate, his eyes suddenly got the kind of glint usually saved for mad men and sellers of fine jewelry. He had realised what he had done wrong. It was so simple! The mercury wiring was incompatible with the heats created, and had melted. He would need a more thermally stable metal.

It took maddeningly long for him to find an alternative, but at long last, he had managed. The pure aluminum was obtained through less than legal ways, which added all the more to Winston's drive. He would see himself succeed, or he would die by his hands. The distillation process was near-complete, missing only the base onto which the distillation would happen. That was easy enough to find, any old DVD did the trick. He was pleased at the ease with what this happened. For once, things were going his way, the easy way. "One less crime that will detract from my triumph," Winston thought "or condemnation" he added with an air of depression. It was all up in God's hands by now, he figured, whether he was worthy of praise or hatred and scorn. His actions, though for the scientific advances, bordered on the occult, in nature and theory.

He brushed aside these thoughts, and waited for the thunderstorm that was slated for tonight. Not for any particular reason, he just enjoyed the mood it set. After all, if you break the laws of reality, you should probably do so with as much style as possible. As lightning struck, he started to crank the handle of the device. He kept on doing it, long after his strength had left him. Finally, as he was preparing for the failure that would prove him wrong, one of the lights light up. Then the second, and the third. He yelled out something unseemly in triumph, but immediately regretted doing so. It was time for him to lay out the disc under the dropping goblets of pure gold. Distilled divinity. Jehovah truly had shone to him, despite his... unseemly actions towards some misguided sheep to get his materials. He would see the true nature of the universe, finally. The first man to do so. Suddenly he began to realise the near insane amounts of... well, everything. Not a single person would deny the true prophet anything they owned. Unscrupulous and unchaste thoughts began to enter his mind, and he dismissed this train of thought.

Slowly, after the distillation was complete, the DVD loaded with God's teachings, gift, location, porn, any, or all of them, really, Winston put the disc into his cheap DVD player. No crimes would be committed in the name of advancement of both religion and science. The message was in video form, which Winston was glad for. The movie gad not reached 5 minutes when Winston started to weep. Silently, he went to his drawer, and pulled something out it. He spat once upon an image of Jesus, and pulled the trigger. There was no way to interpret the videos contents without the implications being too much for any man, let alone one who had wasted his life.


Epilogue

Hours later, as the police arrived to find out the source of the gunshot that had been reported to them, they found Winston's headless corpse flying on the carpet, with blood still pooling. They assumed it was a just a suicide by a depressed, shunned recluse. What they didn't understand was why the small TV was frozen on a single frame of Epic Movie.

Parallels Between Homer and Metatron

Homer Simpson and Archangel Metatron. Both classic literary characters. To say that the Bible was influenced by Groening would be like saying the wall of China was long. Both are some of the most known characters of today, and as such comparisons are necessary. You've probably heard of the common theory that Homer is symbolic for Martin Luther King Jr's dream, and that Metatron symbolises midgets in their struggle against each other, or that Metatron is a proxy for the dying Chris Bowen and his first time been here, with Homer(obviously) being the fact that here looks great. And we have all heard the theory that it is symbolic for the Ribbentrop-Molotov pact between Hitler and Stalin, much like how Animal Farm is symbolic for the Cold War, and Lord of The Flies for the present day occupation of Iraq. The symbolism is just too deep to be ignored.

This essay will not be one to tread the oft tread ground of discussion, like how the proud Ben Metzger treads through the cow field of Loren's heart. No, this will go for a more comprehensive look, and wonder: Truly how versed was Groening in Hebrew mythology? The answer for that would seem obvious: The relationship between Leela and Fry is quite clearly an allegory for Cain and Abel, whilst Bender B. Rodriguez is obviously Lucifer Morningstar, driven to madness by his contempt for man, and disapproval of God(or in Futurama, Elzar).

So the assumption that these two giants of literary tradition are related, and inspired each other(Some evidence claims that the scribes writing the Old Testament were given advice on how to develop the Moses character by Groening. The bumbling antics, and falling down the Colored Canyon in Sinai were later edited out, as they felt the comic relief aspects reduced the serious message they were trying to portray. These were later added to one carpenter from Nazareth in one of the sequels) Once we look deeper, we notice the way Homer stopped Bart from jumping the Springfield Gorge is obviously derived from the way Metatron stopped Abraham from killing Isac. Analyzing this, we find that Lance Murdoch is the God of the Simpsons universe, as his behaviour and outwards appearance have long suggested. So how far does the rabbit hole go? Well, both characters have become second fiddle to the other, more popular characters(Metatron is curiously absent from the New Testament, replaced by Gabriel, just like Homer was literally "dumbed down", removing his ability to affect the story lines of the mythos in any relevant ways). Much like how Homer's mother was unknown during the early seasons, so is Metatron's genesis unknown. The final, yet most final, is the fact that Metatron was mistaken for a God, or the equal of Jehovah, and as punishment he was administered 60 'strokes with fiery rods' , just as how Homer is treated with extreme physical abuse not only for his hubris, but any of his attempts to achieve anything. Any kind of punishment for your hubris is a story element only found in the Talmud, and as such it's obvious that it is the source for this behaviour. After all, who ever heard of different stories all over the world having similar elements? Hitler, that's who.

Armed with this new knowledge, I doubt you will ever look at the characters the same way. The symbolism runs deep, as does the ignorance of the common Hollywood sheep. Hopefully this dissertation will allow give you new respect for the characters.


Sources:


Cromulent and the Talmud: Simpsonian allegory in the Bible, by Dr. Alfred Oxford, PhD
Rape, Rhyme and Rythm: the secret of the Macarena, by José Cálíeïròs
Honey, Jesus is at the door: Decrypting Christianity with Your TV guide, by Opengate Publishings
Please Man, Not In The Face: A Homosexual's Tale, an autobiography by David Dietle
The Evils of Religion, or Let's Sing and Fuck, Life is Pointless, by Richard Dawkins
Parallels between Homer and Metatron, by Lucas Cambridge, PhD

Websites That Are Cancer: 4Chan

4Chan

    Hey, you know what's great? Originality, creativity, empathy and not regurgitating the same Goddamn thing over and over again. You'll find none of those over at 4Chan, capital of internet "culture". The interesting thing about it is how almost every meme seems to originate from here. Lolcats? Check. ORLY owl? Check. Rick Roll and Chocolate Rain? 4Chan again. So, it has a tendency to make certain retarded things very popular. So, like how everyone emulates the cool kids when they smoke or huff paint or whatever it is people with actual social lives do, everyone less popular follows. The point in which a meme "dies" is when it is featured on Fox News. So, what makes this bad? Well, it's not necessarily bad just for that, it's just that image macros and pictures of cats are about as funny as a brick wall with Carlos Mencia in front of it. Plus, after a million times of seeing the same cat, your lungs start to fail as a reflex, to spare you the pain of seeing it again.

   So, that explains why the site is bad, but cancerous? Well, as far as internet users go, 4Channers are a vocal minority. They do retarded things, like trolling, hacking into accounts, and overall being dicks to people, which gives the internet a bad name. Since the net is a new thing, we'd need to get a lot of people on board, but these guys are making the environment hostile.  Plus, they call Fox News "Faux" News, proving they do not know how to pronounce the words they use, just in case you weren't sure they weren't idiots already. Oh, and the spelling and grammar. Oh God the spelling and grammar. MOAR, FAIL, LULZ and EPIC are all used there,  much to the chagrin of the pedant in me.

   If you want to know why these people are one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, read Encyclopedia Dramatica, their version of Wikipedia. Check out any page, preferably with someone who committed suicide or is gay or black, and you'll see a rather sound argument why eugenics might be a good idea after all.

"God Is Dead"

Nietzsche, moments before declaring "God is dead".

With concept by yours truly, execution by the talented homosexual, Jeff Bennion.

Introduction.

   Hello, to you who might be reading right now. I'm guessing you're either the two class mates of mine who read my Twitter, or someone from Cracked I gave the link to, for feedback on writing. 

   In either case, this'll be my blog, mostly for writing comedy pieces that no-one will read, and things that happen in my life, which will also go unread. Probably for the better. The title is a bit of a high brow reference, which I guess makes me some kind of douche? That's not really a surprise, is it? Probably nobody reading this will get it. Probably using that word to much. Not that that's a bad thing. I'll try to blog in English(Real English, not that corrupted 1337 shit or those gay emoticons or acronyms), for higher appeal, and simply because, well, I love English. Writing in English is a pleasure, one that I don't often get to enjoy. So, if you've read this far, I assume you are reading this simply because you don't want to be rude to me and not read it? That'd be the only reason why, it's not like this introductory crap will tell you what the meaning of life is or something.

   Reading through this now, it seems like I'm some emo retard whining about his life. I'm not. It's just that it's raining and that makes me somewhat depressed. Plus, I'm being realistic. The only way this will be popular if reading it somehow dispenses cocaine.Note:  Remember to invent a way to do that.

So, I guess that's that? Hope you enjoy my blog, I'll update it once a week with something that people might actually want to read.