Japan Knows How To Treat Women

I, like all men, believe women to be completely inferior to men. I'm not going to use a "No True Scotsman" fallacy in this case, as it is obvious that any man who does not believe that women are on the same level as dogs are obviously lying. Women being a parasite on civilisation is obvious from Historical evidence (Yeah, way to invent the Theory of Relativity and build the Great Wall... Oh, that's right) and the Bible (King James' Version, Genesis 3:16 "...thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." The Bible also says that Eagles are an abomination, which is why I hate America.) Now, I believe that the only solution to women is a stinging backhand, and unfortunately I was not able to indulge this in video game form.

Until Now!

Finally all woman and child abusers can hone their technique in this delightful game. You can slap them, take off their clothes, throw soccer balls at them and spray what I hope is water on them - Just like you would in real life. Now, I believe that this game is a great thing - After all, if any culture begins to project oppression as entertainment and in positive light, it will become more common until finally it becomes socially acceptable to abuse women. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Truly the makers of this video-game believe that women are nothing but things meant to entertain men, by way of sex, cooking and the occasional beating, like they should.

Sure, the Feminist Movement of the 70's set Man back by a couple of decades by deluding these poor creatures into believing they are human, but Japan's got our back! They already have pedophilia culturally accepted (Their idea of beauty is heavily focused on naivety and being youthful and childish, and they sell used panties of school-girls in vending machines. Plus, check out how many school-girls wearing miniskirts appear in Manga and Anime) so abuse is naturally next. One thing worries me about Love Death 2: Fun Time - The torture is entirely physical. Sure, crippling a woman's legs is all well and good, but it's nothing compared to destroying their self-esteem and making them believe they earned it. What kind of game wont let call women whores? Thankfully I believe this will be rectified in later version, along with the ability to rape ... Oh, what's that? The game already has a "monster in the pants" "weapon" you use "while they're down and can't fight back"... Well, I guess this has all the makings of Game of The Year. ¨

I can't wait till they bring in the DLC, probably involving forbidding them from even talking to other men, stalking them and watching them sleep, constantly reminding the women that you want to kill them and telling her that you are doing it because you love her and having "the skin of a killer". I'm sure nothing like that would ever exist in our society or even be popular, but I can dream, can't I? Like Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream: A society in which women are slaves to men, with no right to think for themselves, just supplies of sex for men. A world without pain, suffering or belittlement to men (something all women do to men, I read it from "Roissy in DC") and all the negative things in the world are rightfully blamed on women.

Yes, I realise half(2) of my readers(4 in total) are women.

Oh Fuck This

Motherfuckers. WHAT DID I SAY ON SUNDAY? NO! MORE! SHALLOW! GODDAMN! PARODIES!

No, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck you, Hollywood. Straight up the ass.

The Popularity of Horrible Parodies

Quite some time ago, I learned that people are, by nature, fucking retarded. Case in point, the popularity of *Vague Genre* Movies, made by Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer, like Epic Movie or Date Movie. These movies are to cinema what tumors are to the brain. If you haven't seen any of them, here's a recap of every single one of them:

JASON: Hey, remember *insert character from a recent movie*?

AARON: Yes.

JASON: Wouldn't it be funny if they smoked weed/had sex/killed someone/were illiterate?

AARON: Hahahahhahahahahahhahahahah. Yes.

STUDIO EXECUTIVES: Here you go, have 20 Million.

These movies somehow defy all genres and create a new one: The Reference Movie. These movies are not comedies: I dare you to find a single joke. The movies rely entirely on reminding people of better, actually good movies made in the same year. Let's take Epic Movie as an example. It reportedly parodies "Epic" movies. Now, far be it from me to suggest these people don't know what an epic film actually is, but it's still interesting that they fail to feature a single epic. Instead of Titanic, Passion of the Christ or hell, Saving Private Ryan, the movie parodies The Chronicles of Narnia (Fantasy), Pirates of the Caribbean (Action) and the DaVinci Code (Drama/Thriller/Piece of Bullshit). The only thing connecting these movies together is the fact that they were made in the same year. Seltzburger (a portmanteau of their last names) seem to follow the Christian tradition of Satan: He cannot create, he can only corrupt. Indeed, these movies are nothing but corruptions of their original. The definition of parody, something those two should probably look up in between having more money and sex then I do, is the following:

A parody (pronounced /ˈpærədiː/; also called send-up or spoof), in contemporary usage, is a work created to mock, comment on, or poke fun at an original work.

Now, the movies don't really comment on, mock or poke fun at the movies as much as have pirates rap, laugh at midgets and have the main characters learn archery and swordsmanship from Harry Potter and Co. I might be an elitist bastard, but last time I checked, none of the characters in Harry Potter sword fight or use a bow. Maybe I "just don't get it" or am "jealous that I'm not that rich" or the old classic, that I "can't criticize unless I've made that much money".

My real gripe is not that the movies prove how buttfuck retarded our species is, but the fact that more and more people are making these movies. Let's have a look at the trailer to the upcoming movie, The 40 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It.






This movie is, obviously, a parody of The 40 Year Old Virgin. These people are under the mistaken conclusion that parodying a comedy will make your movie double funny, instead of make you look retarded. People have been parodying I'm On a Boat, a song that's already a parody for years, so it's not like this is a new thing. It's just really, really sad that people can actually get millions of dollars to make this kind of piece of shit. The jokes are so lowest-common-denominator that it makes me want to jam a screwdriver in my eyes. And the worst part is knowing that this movie will be popular. People will go see it, and they will laugh, and the douchebags who made this movie will make more movies, inspiring more and more people to make shallow parodies until comedy implodes on it self and doesn't exist anymore.

And I blame you. All of you, who have ever seen one of these movies. You brought forth the apocalypse. You have killed the genre of comedy, and replaced it with a child so retarded it does not know how to breathe. You are monsters, and you disgust me more than all the Japanese Units in China of WWII.

Happy Birthday for A Friend

To clarify, yes, I have friends. They just live in... Canada.

Anyways, a friend of mine (for the sake of privacy let's call him Fuckass) has a birthday today. Now, there's not a lot of reasons for Fuckass to live: He's ugly as a boot, smart as a camel, and as compassionate as Mussolini. However, what he lacks in those areas, he more than makes up for them in his artistic ability. That man is to drawing what I am to writing - A prodigy. I think the term in his case is Idiot-Savant. He is seriously one of the most talented people I've ever met - And I've met myself. For some reason Fuckass insists on drawing cars, which I guess means he's an Autosexual. WARNING: DO NOT FOLLOW THAT LINK. IT'S A MEDIOCRE PUN AND NOT WORTH THERAPY. IT WILL DAMAGE YOUR PSYCHE BEYOND REPAIR. JUST BECAUSE IT'S WIKIPEDIA DOESN'T MEANS IT'S SFW.

Anyways, Fuckass is also a pretty nice guy. Hey, I heard the people Mussolini ordered to be killed said he was nice about it. Only problem is that he is way too positive. He laughs at 85% of my jokes, which is bad for me, since I really don't need any encouragement. Even if the guy is a Neo-Nazi (saying that Homosexuality is a disease, using Nazi terminology and overall being a fascist), he still hasn't killed any Untermensch yet. Sure, none of that may be strictly true and I might have elaborated on and twisted his words, but my point remains. Swell guy who utterly hates any game not involving driving. Even in GTA IV he only drives, I don't think he's killed a single person in that game.


So, there's only one person reading this blog who does not know Fuckass, so I urge Capricia13/Susan to give Fuckass your birthday greeting.

I Am Literally Angry With Rage, or: Uptight Retards Prevent Me From Breaking The Law

As you know, I am a teenage nerd. The first implies that I will try to get my hands on something illegal. The second, on the other hand, means I'm not cool enough to smoke or drink excessively, so my interest lies directly on video games. And home-made explosives, but I digress. As a nerd, I am a big fan of RPG's, since the thought of being someone other than my disgusting, ugly, overweight and out of shape self is extremely attractive. Just like men for Julius and Dietle. I am saying they are gay.

So, I was thinking of what game might be suitable for my lonely, escapist fantasy. Immediately, I knew what it was: Fallout 3. The Post-Nuclear-Apocalyptic game set in the ruins of DC. With all the radioactive mutants, classy 50's music and science so soft you could spread it over a sandwich. But, like a shovel to the face of a dozed hooker, reality hit me in the face. "The Game is for 18 year olds," Reality told me "You can't buy it. Also I suck cocks." Truer words have never been spoken, except that one unrelated time. I figured that since I can pass off as an adult on a forum full of adults and Nedroid, I was mature enough to buy that game. Also I wanted it really bad. My parents, who dislike me having/doing mature things and enjoy tormenting me by "caring" and "making sure I don't get hurt", however, did not follow my logic, meaning I could not get the game from that avenue. So, the best I could do is ask my older brother, a veritable giant of a man, to get the game for me. Unfortunately, he is also under-aged. Since Finland apparently likes being Nazi Germany, they refused to sell him the game without identification. Yes, upholding the law makes you a Nazi. If you ever get pulled over by the police you can quote me on that. Anyways, I went to the closest thing Finland has to a mall, and tried all the shops personally. None would let me buy the game, even when I used elaborate lies. They either cared for their jobs (selling inappropriate material to minors will get you fired) or are descendants of the Gestapo. I think it was the latter, personally. So, all my attempts resulted in failure. Constant, utter failure. No matter what tale I spun, I could not get that game. It eluded me, like a blind retard at some really stupid American Hillbilly Festival game. I felt betrayed by God. What kind of monster would not let me break the law? I lay there, defeated in all ways. I was destroyed. No victory could ever be achieved. As I was there, it dawned on me though. What place can I get a game without dealing with anyone? Two words: Online. Piracy.


LEGAL DISCLAIMER: In an attempt to avoid confusion and lawsuits, a clarification is in order. No illegal activity was attempted, and the reference to online piracy was not meant to imply that the owner of this blog would attempt such a heinous crime. This, however, is. I AM GOING TO STEAL THIS VIDEO GAME USING TORRENTS! That, however, is a joke used for satirical means and does not hold up in court. Just try it.

Sorry For The Lack of Updates

I was recently pretty sick, so updating has been very low on my To-Do List. Most likely it was just the common cold that was exasperated by me not caring I had the fever for a couple of days, but it's much more dramatic to say it was... THE SWINE FLU! Dun-dun-duuuuuun! This would coincide with the outbreak here in Finland and the fact that I didn't die (one of the many symptoms of H1N1), but I really doubt it was. I'll probably update tomorrow, unless I am stricken by Playing-the-shit-out-of-Fallout-3-itis or, on Tuesday, the day of its launch, Left-4-Dead-2-Is-Here-Fuck-Yes-Oh-My-God-Yes-Chainsaws-Katanas-And-Shotguns-And-Mindless-Targets-I'll-Kill-Them-All-itis. I'm sure there'll be an epidemic on the 17th.

So, this is my bullshit as to why I haven't updated. I have also got a great writing deal over at Gunaxin.com, so you'll probably see my stuff over there as well.

Zombie Contingency Plan

The one on the right looks like Quiltshoe

I am a paranoid man. If I see a Mexican outside my house, I immediately start wondering what exactly he wants to steal from me, and bring out something semi-lethal just to keep him at bay. If I see someone giving me anything, I immediately sink it in my special mix of disinfectant and holy water (I call it "Holy Disinfectant". I'm really bad with puns) and then exorcise any and all demons that might dwell in it. As such, I am planned for every single possible situation, no matter how unlikely (the impossible, like a girl finding me attractive, I am not planned for). Fully prepared, I am, for the zombie, vampire, Twilight vampire, armed monkey and unicorn apocalypses. Since some of those have simple plans (for example, Twilight Vampires can be defeated by pointing out that they are nothing but wank-fantasy for middle-aged and teenage girls, resulting in them killing themselves) or have already been discussed by other scholars, I will talk only about the one that might actually happen.

Zombies.

Zombies are slow, retarded creatures dispatched by destroying the brain, as I explained in my Health-Education test, that have an unending hunger for humans. Each victim of a zombie is turned into one. Since Finland has a miles upon miles upon even further miles upon a couple of meters of empty forests, holing up in one would seem easy. Most Finns (about 4 in 5, to be precise) have some kind of summer cottage, deep in woods/near farms/by lakes or seas. All these give more than enough food. So, with this in mind, my plan is as followed:



1. After first news of the outbreak, round up warm clothes and blankets, as much food as space permits, and the weapons (melee - axes etc, and guns - Suomi Konepistooli, weapons available from the nearby military base and the simple airguns. After that, flee Helsinki. Head towards Jyväskylä, near the family cabin. Once there, start digging trenches. The trenches have to be at least 1.5 meters deep. Make simple farms close to the main building, and send out someone to fish. There most likely are not enough zombies yet to make this dangerous. Practice firing using the airguns, and give the most accurate the machine-pistol. Set up a look-out on top of the roof, and make sure there is a ladder available. If zombies are seen, wait till they reach withing firing range and aim for the head. Repeat.

2 When winter comes, the zombies(with no circulation, mind you) will freeze to death, making their disposal easy. A shovel is best suited for this job. During the winter months, it is safe to check farm houses for survivors, and make expeditions to the town, looking for supplies. Stay indoors, and keep the house well warmed.

3 As spring begins to arrive, stop making treks, and keep a look out. Make sure everyone is at peak physical activity. If a siege of tens or hundreds of zombies arrives, move all survivors onto the roof with ladders (zombies lack the dexterity to use them) and arm them with anything you have. Make sure the quiet, fidgety guy who keeps saying "We're all going to die" under his breath does not get a weapon.

4 Keep monitoring radio channels. Use one of the wind up models. As Finland has less people than New York (note: I am making this up. I do not know), huge sieges will not occur often. Wait until the military declares it safe. Once you hear that, wait a week, and then return.



This plan is fool-proof. If you believe it to have a weakness, do tell so in the comments.



Plan B: Overdose on pills to avoid painful death.


Next one will be funny, I swear.