Zombie Contingency Plan

The one on the right looks like Quiltshoe

I am a paranoid man. If I see a Mexican outside my house, I immediately start wondering what exactly he wants to steal from me, and bring out something semi-lethal just to keep him at bay. If I see someone giving me anything, I immediately sink it in my special mix of disinfectant and holy water (I call it "Holy Disinfectant". I'm really bad with puns) and then exorcise any and all demons that might dwell in it. As such, I am planned for every single possible situation, no matter how unlikely (the impossible, like a girl finding me attractive, I am not planned for). Fully prepared, I am, for the zombie, vampire, Twilight vampire, armed monkey and unicorn apocalypses. Since some of those have simple plans (for example, Twilight Vampires can be defeated by pointing out that they are nothing but wank-fantasy for middle-aged and teenage girls, resulting in them killing themselves) or have already been discussed by other scholars, I will talk only about the one that might actually happen.

Zombies.

Zombies are slow, retarded creatures dispatched by destroying the brain, as I explained in my Health-Education test, that have an unending hunger for humans. Each victim of a zombie is turned into one. Since Finland has a miles upon miles upon even further miles upon a couple of meters of empty forests, holing up in one would seem easy. Most Finns (about 4 in 5, to be precise) have some kind of summer cottage, deep in woods/near farms/by lakes or seas. All these give more than enough food. So, with this in mind, my plan is as followed:



1. After first news of the outbreak, round up warm clothes and blankets, as much food as space permits, and the weapons (melee - axes etc, and guns - Suomi Konepistooli, weapons available from the nearby military base and the simple airguns. After that, flee Helsinki. Head towards Jyväskylä, near the family cabin. Once there, start digging trenches. The trenches have to be at least 1.5 meters deep. Make simple farms close to the main building, and send out someone to fish. There most likely are not enough zombies yet to make this dangerous. Practice firing using the airguns, and give the most accurate the machine-pistol. Set up a look-out on top of the roof, and make sure there is a ladder available. If zombies are seen, wait till they reach withing firing range and aim for the head. Repeat.

2 When winter comes, the zombies(with no circulation, mind you) will freeze to death, making their disposal easy. A shovel is best suited for this job. During the winter months, it is safe to check farm houses for survivors, and make expeditions to the town, looking for supplies. Stay indoors, and keep the house well warmed.

3 As spring begins to arrive, stop making treks, and keep a look out. Make sure everyone is at peak physical activity. If a siege of tens or hundreds of zombies arrives, move all survivors onto the roof with ladders (zombies lack the dexterity to use them) and arm them with anything you have. Make sure the quiet, fidgety guy who keeps saying "We're all going to die" under his breath does not get a weapon.

4 Keep monitoring radio channels. Use one of the wind up models. As Finland has less people than New York (note: I am making this up. I do not know), huge sieges will not occur often. Wait until the military declares it safe. Once you hear that, wait a week, and then return.



This plan is fool-proof. If you believe it to have a weakness, do tell so in the comments.



Plan B: Overdose on pills to avoid painful death.


Next one will be funny, I swear.