Christ. Updates, Right?

Jesus, time sure does fly when you are doing everything except updating your blog, doesn't it? Sure, it's easy to say "I'll update the site every week" but then BAM, reality hits your face like a cinderblock to a hippie. The truth is that while writing is a thing I enjoy very much, it still takes effort. Very little effort, yes, but more effort than, say, shooting Nazi's in Call of Duty: WaW, making a depressingly complex contingency plan in the astronomically retardedly slim chance (as slim as your [valued relative/significant other] isn't. ZING!) that zombies exist and are an actual threat(coming up soon by the way. Hark at the insane man, won't you?) , or just counting the seconds to your eventual death and debating whether or not to pull the trigger (the classic Finnish past time).

Writing this, I came to the depressing conclusion that there isn't a single person in the world wondering "Oh no! Finlander hasn't updated recently. That makes me sad because I love everything he writes and wish to see more." On the other hand I'm happy simply because nobody thinks in such a retarded way.

So, I'm writing this half-assed thing to excuse my writing, but who am I excusing it to? Me. No-one else. I had to write something, or I'd never live it down. It's hard enough living through life having to constantly drown the sounds of "BURN THEM BURN THEM BURN THEM ALL BAPTISM THROUGH FLAME THE TRUE PATH TO CHRIST IS THROUGH COMPLETE IMMOLATION" and "You do realise you are nowhere near as smart as you think, right? You have an unhealthily high view of your self. Look at you, you jackass, you can't even spell yourself right" to deal with another one saying "You couldn't keep a simple promise you made to your fictional fans. You said you'd write, and you didn't. Instead you ate sour cream & and onion chips whilst playing on your Xbox. For shame". And who knows what vital functions that petty bastard controls.





If Jere is reading this I want him to know he sucks.





Same goes for Dietle.





And that creepy juggler freak . With his damn beady eyes.

Parallels Between Homer and Metatron

Homer Simpson and Archangel Metatron. Both classic literary characters. To say that the Bible was influenced by Groening would be like saying the wall of China was long. Both are some of the most known characters of today, and as such comparisons are necessary. You've probably heard of the common theory that Homer is symbolic for Martin Luther King Jr's dream, and that Metatron symbolises midgets in their struggle against each other, or that Metatron is a proxy for the dying Chris Bowen and his first time been here, with Homer(obviously) being the fact that here looks great. And we have all heard the theory that it is symbolic for the Ribbentrop-Molotov pact between Hitler and Stalin, much like how Animal Farm is symbolic for the Cold War, and Lord of The Flies for the present day occupation of Iraq. The symbolism is just too deep to be ignored.

This essay will not be one to tread the oft tread ground of discussion, like how the proud Ben Metzger treads through the cow field of Loren's heart. No, this will go for a more comprehensive look, and wonder: Truly how versed was Groening in Hebrew mythology? The answer for that would seem obvious: The relationship between Leela and Fry is quite clearly an allegory for Cain and Abel, whilst Bender B. Rodriguez is obviously Lucifer Morningstar, driven to madness by his contempt for man, and disapproval of God(or in Futurama, Elzar).

So the assumption that these two giants of literary tradition are related, and inspired each other(Some evidence claims that the scribes writing the Old Testament were given advice on how to develop the Moses character by Groening. The bumbling antics, and falling down the Colored Canyon in Sinai were later edited out, as they felt the comic relief aspects reduced the serious message they were trying to portray. These were later added to one carpenter from Nazareth in one of the sequels) Once we look deeper, we notice the way Homer stopped Bart from jumping the Springfield Gorge is obviously derived from the way Metatron stopped Abraham from killing Isac. Analyzing this, we find that Lance Murdoch is the God of the Simpsons universe, as his behaviour and outwards appearance have long suggested. So how far does the rabbit hole go? Well, both characters have become second fiddle to the other, more popular characters(Metatron is curiously absent from the New Testament, replaced by Gabriel, just like Homer was literally "dumbed down", removing his ability to affect the story lines of the mythos in any relevant ways). Much like how Homer's mother was unknown during the early seasons, so is Metatron's genesis unknown. The final, yet most final, is the fact that Metatron was mistaken for a God, or the equal of Jehovah, and as punishment he was administered 60 'strokes with fiery rods' , just as how Homer is treated with extreme physical abuse not only for his hubris, but any of his attempts to achieve anything. Any kind of punishment for your hubris is a story element only found in the Talmud, and as such it's obvious that it is the source for this behaviour. After all, who ever heard of different stories all over the world having similar elements? Hitler, that's who.

Armed with this new knowledge, I doubt you will ever look at the characters the same way. The symbolism runs deep, as does the ignorance of the common Hollywood sheep. Hopefully this dissertation will allow give you new respect for the characters.


Sources:


Cromulent and the Talmud: Simpsonian allegory in the Bible, by Dr. Alfred Oxford, PhD
Rape, Rhyme and Rythm: the secret of the Macarena, by José Cálíeïròs
Honey, Jesus is at the door: Decrypting Christianity with Your TV guide, by Opengate Publishings
Please Man, Not In The Face: A Homosexual's Tale, an autobiography by David Dietle
The Evils of Religion, or Let's Sing and Fuck, Life is Pointless, by Richard Dawkins
Parallels between Homer and Metatron, by Lucas Cambridge, PhD